LOST IN THE MACHINE

OMG...What is it with bloody Google? Why is it sooo confusing? Every time I enter it I get lost and never end up with what I want...and it never knows me. A few minutes ago it told me I had no blogs. So I know it's probably all my fault for signing in with different email addresses and then I forget which one even though I've got it all written down somewhere. I've just had to stroll through notebook scribbles but I've found myself again, and written better instructions in a tidier notebook that is devoted to this sort of thing. All this trouble must be because I never know who I am supposed to be and then Google jumps up or pops its head around dark corners and demands I sign in and when I do nothing happens - well nothing I like.

I can't remember what I wanted to write now but I'll settle for abusing Google and add a note of advice to any strollers out there - keep a nice book!

DAILY CARD DRAW 3

4.12.10

Ooh The Star is a vampire fairy, all silvery-white but splattered with blood. She is a mess, and just as I was asking myself if I’d be able to make some kind of effort with myself tomorrow – I take it that’s a no!

But, in reality The Star would insinuate that I can do it if I want to, that if I make that effort my hopes and dreams will come true. Maybe that’s what she’s hoping too, that she needs to learn not to be so sloppy, especially when wearing her best whites. All her decoration is white except the red thorny crown on her head; the thorns are a vicious hoop digging across her forehead.

She looks resigned to her fate, a wild child of the moon with her long white hair hanging down to her hips. Is that why she spills the blood on her breast and lap? Does she think it’s too late so why bother? Perhaps she thinks, been there done that and oh yes I’ve got pretty wings, so what? Is this me? I do go around thinking that I’ve been there done all that and can do what I please now.

Drawing this card does indicate good omens and hope for change. This is an echo of yesterday’s reading, of all of them really, in that I must make an effort to change my habits and routines – I certainly don’t have any of them! I don’t eat, sleep or work to any kind of routine. Isn’t that the first thing you try and put in place with children or the mentally ill?

I’m a wild child with special needs and I’d better take note. Though, I did wrap up some Christmas presents and clear a little space tonight but I still can’t sit down and use any of my desks because the surfaces are stacked with books and things, some of them quite precariously.

- back to the future

In five years I think my desks have been cleared twice, but they happen to be clear now and arty crafty work has been done - there are a few crafty projects sitting on them right now but nothing that couldn't be cleared in a couple of minutes...this is quite a freedom for me. But, in reality, I haven't changed the basic foundation of my lifestyle and must now decide that that's because I can't and probably shouldn't. I have become who I was meant to be so should stop trying to be different, or the same as everyone else.

DAILY CARD DRAW 2

3.12.10

The Knight of Masks

While I shuffled I asked what lay in front of me over the next six months, and the underlying question was, ‘Who am I now?’ This card is an arms and head close-up of a young woman; she’s wearing fingerless black lace gloves and a black bodice laced at the front, holding a mask up to her face. Her auburn hair hangs loose and we glimpse some kind of mansion in the background. She wears a black lace choker at her throat which is the only decoration bar the mask which is a red and gold cat-like creation, all swirls and curlicues.

‘Here I am,’ she is saying, ‘don’t you recognise me?’

I see someone who wants me to follow them, daring me to have the nerve to be honest and cool, to enter under my own steam. She is not laughing or sneering but I can see that she is wondering if I’ll give up and walk away. So this feels like a challenge but one from a friend or a sister; it’s a caring look that assures me that this is the right party for me.

Invitations will fly around me! And small challenges. The woman’s hands are wide open and I think she’s telling me to keep my eyes open and the way clear – she could be telling me to cut and colour my hair, to wear make-up for a change, to dress up and be more decorative than the old slump that I am most of the time. She might be saying, ‘Look at your eyes, dress up your hair – show something off.’

Actually I was very aware last Saturday that while my friend was all dressed up (we’d gone to the pictures with my two older grandsons to see Harry Potter) I hadn’t bothered to do anything more that get washed and dressed – and in old ordinary clothes at that. I should have made an effort. So do I have to dress up now? Do I have to make something of myself? Probably definitely. And another thing: number two grandson took my photograph on the train and I look like an old woman. I am an old woman, so what does it matter? It matters, apparently.

Yes, this has made me think about the impression I give of myself; I really don’t give a fig, but it wouldn’t hurt me to make an attempt at being presentable and more sociable – oh no not that!

Again, I have followed the card’s image and worked my way through it to arrive at these conclusions. The presence of The Knight of Masks might mean a change of situation for me, travel or the absence of someone. My oldest grandson is planning to join the army as soon as he can and he will be sixteen in April, so this might coincide with that.

So far, I’m happy with what has come up with these cards, but there is not a lot of symbolism here is there?

Note:

I received an invitation from my son and his wife to join them, their five children and their other granny for Christmas dinner out in a restaurant! So that's my first invitation arriving 24 hrs after the reading – the small challenges will be keeping order 'cause these kids are wild!

- back to the future

No real change has occurred; I still hang myself out like an old woman who was never young and beautiful...no, my attitude is that I've been there done that so why should I have to bother with any of it now? I have six grandchildren and a great grandson...and a new grandson on the way - I can do what the hell I want! Actually I hardly leave the flat and love living in my wee cave, in my baggy old dresses, listening to audio books, whole series again and again...playing the favourites.