LOST IN THE MACHINE

OMG...What is it with bloody Google? Why is it sooo confusing? Every time I enter it I get lost and never end up with what I want...and it never knows me. A few minutes ago it told me I had no blogs. So I know it's probably all my fault for signing in with different email addresses and then I forget which one even though I've got it all written down somewhere. I've just had to stroll through notebook scribbles but I've found myself again, and written better instructions in a tidier notebook that is devoted to this sort of thing. All this trouble must be because I never know who I am supposed to be and then Google jumps up or pops its head around dark corners and demands I sign in and when I do nothing happens - well nothing I like.

I can't remember what I wanted to write now but I'll settle for abusing Google and add a note of advice to any strollers out there - keep a nice book!

DAILY CARD DRAWS

I began this on a lilt on an optimistic breeze but everything followed the path I normally take, though I enjoyed the enthusiasm at the time.

Using my lovely new Favole Tarot deck in an effort to study it, the artist, the symbolism, and me.

7.12.10

I should mention to anyone reading this that I split this deck because the number cards are just pips, but I kept the courts with the Majors and am using them together as I study.

Also, this deck veers away from the norm and the suits are: Crosses, Masks, Flowers and Butterflies. There is nothing in the details to tell you what suit is what; I guess that the crosses are swords and masks are wands but it’s up in the air as to whether the cups are black roses or butterflies. I feel that the emotion lies with the butterflies, the celebration and tragedy of their short lives – so they should represent the cups. The thorny danger of roses indicates the problems we all have with money – but, it is possible to see the other side of this argument. Don’t we all cry and bleed tears when pricked by the dark side of love? And wouldn’t the petals catch those tears?

The butterfly as a precious and jewelled beast might be an earthy trait, even though it is flighty and creative and everyone loves them; the other terrible truth is that butterflies feed on excrement, and they are here today, gone tomorrow – a life as short as cash-flow.

I spent a while studying the two sets of court cards and have come to the conclusion that the Flowers are the Cups, because the king is wearing a mask, the knave is dressed as a pierrot and the knight has her arms around a statue in a poetic and romantic gesture; they all denote theatre and therefore the arts. Both the queen and the knave have the stem of a rose in their mouths which suggests – a cupping.

- back to the future

I really love the way I leapt onto these cards, and even though I didn't keep up with the readings the practice of deliberately not really using the traditional meanings much and just catching what might be suggested by how the characters were dressed and the juxtaposition of them and the environment, it was a lesson in detailed roaming. Tarot are meant to stimulate and inspire meaning which might lead to decision-making and change, but this is a busman's holiday - I already know most of the answers as to what I need to do to achieve either my goal/dream or contentment… but that wee bugger, Procrastination, is hard to eradicate.

DAILY CARD DRAWS 6&7

7.12.10

The King of Crosses

When I drew cards for my main character this was the one that sat in her future. There must be something significant that I draw him twice in one day.

He is a sexy beast, a blonde heartthrob of the Brad Pitt variety though the lightness of his eyes is scary…and there are three big black spiders at the bottom left corner of the card. This makes me think of the saying that something nasty this way comes – let’s hope there’s not a knock on the door tomorrow that announces a man demanding money with menaces!

There is beauty in this card but I don’t like the authority of the large cross that is hanging free at the front of the card, in a threatening position…and let’s not forget the spiders. No, I don’t like the arrival of this king and I’m glad that I’ll be out all day tomorrow – so if they want me they won’t get me in.

8.12.10

Knight of Crosses

Oh he looks sad. He’s an angel but I’m not sure if he’s a graveyard statue or not because he seems to be wearing real fabric cape/shoulder-wrappings with a huge cross around his neck. It’s funny but I’ve never really thought of the knight and King of Swords as negative but these last two cards have given off that sense of threat, fear and resignation. There are small splashes of blood around but they seem smeared on the card rather than the model – he’s crying blood too.

If this card usually denotes bravery, courage and strength then this young man is just back from the war front, wondering what it was all for, and asking – was it worth it?

The cross is overstated, in your face, and absolutely in the forefront. So what does all this mean to me? Well, I wouldn’t be allowed to go into that on a forum but I think it’s asking me to delve deeper into what makes me tick; what motivates me? What are my ambitions, my morals and my justifications? I demand an essay on that – give me 1,000 words by Monday!

DAILY CARD DRAW 5

6.12.10

Effort has arrived; it pulled me out of bed, very gently, and brought me to the sorting of papers, books, crafty bits and general jumble. The result is a completely cleared desk, shelf and chair in the bedroom…and some Christmas presents wrapped, and a box of silver balls/hearts/stars strung, which are now hanging around the living room bookshelves. Ta-da!

XV111 The Moon

A half-naked young woman is turned away from me, long black hair hanging down her back. She's walking through water in the moonlight, her arms against her chest in a position of fear, and there's something at her back that I can’t make out – I don’t know if she is being prodded out into the lake or not. A white satin garment is loose around her waist and hips, spreading into the water. She has white flowers in her hair and there’s a raven down in the right hand corner, just there, not doing anything. Is she a victim or just a moon-walker? Am I a victim or just spellbound by my own mystery?

When I noticed the water in this card I immediately felt the pressure of exercise forced upon me by myself; I joined the local pool and gym but haven’t gone back nor dipped my toe in the water. If one of The Moon’s meanings is strange encounters then it might be fun to go swimming – but I can’t be bothered with all that washing of the hair and the drying and getting dressed (once a day is plenty) and once a week with the hair is enough! But, only an hour ago I was toying with the idea of cutting my hair so I won’t keep pinning it up and look the same all the time.

Maybe this card has come out to tell me that there is still a long and difficult search to experience and cleaning a desk and a shelf is just not enough. I need to look deeper into my procrastination. What happens when I’ve cleared all the desks and cupboards and tidied all the photographs? That’s when the real work begins and I should just get on with it because it’s not going to go away.

Note:

I am so amazed at how this week has changed my point of view; since I’ve started the daily draw I have accomplished so much. Tonight, I cut my hair into a short bob so I will have to wear it down and look like anything other than the old granny who can’t be bothered. And, I began the rewrite of the novel by having my main character draw three cards to help her make a decision – so many things in just five days.

- back to the future

No, I didn't wear my hair down, all blow-dried into a smart bob: I still pinned it up, and five years later am still pinning it up because I can't bear the heat of it or be bothered with the hanging-in-the-face of it. And, as I said in the previous post, THAT novel is still around but not the one I'm working on now - another re-write. Ah, 'it's life, Jim, but not as we know it'.

DAILY CARD DRAW 4

5.12.10

The Queen of Masks

A beautiful woman walking in a cold moonlit cemetery with winter trees behind her and a frosty mist. She’s wearing a long black dress with long pointed lace sleeves, her red hair blowing back from her movements. The arms of two stone crosses part as she walks between them. She’s holding a mask in her right hand and looking down, lost in dreams; her left arm is held out and perhaps swinging as she walks. I feel her melancholy and boredom emanating from this card; wands should be energetic and inspiring but this is deadly cold instead of the warmth I’d expect. This comes as I am snowed-in. I went out today and wished I didn’t have to go… and don’t plan on going anywhere until Monday morning.

She wears a pentacle pendant and her mask is sharp and devilish which seems completely opposite to her character. Perhaps she isn’t happy in her situation and is forced to play the game. So what does that mean to me? That it’s possible to walk through a freezing cemetery in a flimsy dress and not feel it because your mind is elsewhere thinking of warmer times? Is my mind where it ought to be? No – because I’ve found this forum and can’t keep away from it long enough to get back to my WIP (I’m supposed to be researching and delving deeper into tarot) and begin the re-write. This is making me think about my main character and that perhaps she should be more melancholy, in her lesser-manic moments…and maybe I’ll give her a pentacle pendant and a golden devil mask on a stick.

The Queen of Masks is a woman who is spiritually aware, honourable, warm, loving and practical – me in other words. This woman would not rise to her best form in such an environment and so would naturally look back at what she considers her best times. I match this to how I’ve neglected the plans for my new flat (I moved in two years ago!) and live in a dusty stack of books and art materials, sneezing for all I’m worth, with barely a picture on the walls yet. So, if I’m going to be snowed-in this weekend maybe I should make some headway. Hmmm.

Oh, I totally forgot the question I was asking as I shuffled and chose my card – as it happens it was about the WIP. ‘Will it be successful?’ so, even though I forgot I asked the question I ended up thinking about it and working on the character, a little.

- back to the future

No, I haven't finished THAT wip yet...and can't really remember which one it was! Though I leap from one WIP to another, I'm not abandoning them, just laying them away while I play with a new toy - and I don't throw my toys out of the pram and break them. Novels always do better with time for gestation.

DAILY CARD DRAW 3

4.12.10

Ooh The Star is a vampire fairy, all silvery-white but splattered with blood. She is a mess, and just as I was asking myself if I’d be able to make some kind of effort with myself tomorrow – I take it that’s a no!

But, in reality The Star would insinuate that I can do it if I want to, that if I make that effort my hopes and dreams will come true. Maybe that’s what she’s hoping too, that she needs to learn not to be so sloppy, especially when wearing her best whites. All her decoration is white except the red thorny crown on her head; the thorns are a vicious hoop digging across her forehead.

She looks resigned to her fate, a wild child of the moon with her long white hair hanging down to her hips. Is that why she spills the blood on her breast and lap? Does she think it’s too late so why bother? Perhaps she thinks, been there done that and oh yes I’ve got pretty wings, so what? Is this me? I do go around thinking that I’ve been there done all that and can do what I please now.

Drawing this card does indicate good omens and hope for change. This is an echo of yesterday’s reading, of all of them really, in that I must make an effort to change my habits and routines – I certainly don’t have any of them! I don’t eat, sleep or work to any kind of routine. Isn’t that the first thing you try and put in place with children or the mentally ill?

I’m a wild child with special needs and I’d better take note. Though, I did wrap up some Christmas presents and clear a little space tonight but I still can’t sit down and use any of my desks because the surfaces are stacked with books and things, some of them quite precariously.

- back to the future

In five years I think my desks have been cleared twice, but they happen to be clear now and arty crafty work has been done - there are a few crafty projects sitting on them right now but nothing that couldn't be cleared in a couple of minutes...this is quite a freedom for me. But, in reality, I haven't changed the basic foundation of my lifestyle and must now decide that that's because I can't and probably shouldn't. I have become who I was meant to be so should stop trying to be different, or the same as everyone else.

DAILY CARD DRAW 2

3.12.10

The Knight of Masks

While I shuffled I asked what lay in front of me over the next six months, and the underlying question was, ‘Who am I now?’ This card is an arms and head close-up of a young woman; she’s wearing fingerless black lace gloves and a black bodice laced at the front, holding a mask up to her face. Her auburn hair hangs loose and we glimpse some kind of mansion in the background. She wears a black lace choker at her throat which is the only decoration bar the mask which is a red and gold cat-like creation, all swirls and curlicues.

‘Here I am,’ she is saying, ‘don’t you recognise me?’

I see someone who wants me to follow them, daring me to have the nerve to be honest and cool, to enter under my own steam. She is not laughing or sneering but I can see that she is wondering if I’ll give up and walk away. So this feels like a challenge but one from a friend or a sister; it’s a caring look that assures me that this is the right party for me.

Invitations will fly around me! And small challenges. The woman’s hands are wide open and I think she’s telling me to keep my eyes open and the way clear – she could be telling me to cut and colour my hair, to wear make-up for a change, to dress up and be more decorative than the old slump that I am most of the time. She might be saying, ‘Look at your eyes, dress up your hair – show something off.’

Actually I was very aware last Saturday that while my friend was all dressed up (we’d gone to the pictures with my two older grandsons to see Harry Potter) I hadn’t bothered to do anything more that get washed and dressed – and in old ordinary clothes at that. I should have made an effort. So do I have to dress up now? Do I have to make something of myself? Probably definitely. And another thing: number two grandson took my photograph on the train and I look like an old woman. I am an old woman, so what does it matter? It matters, apparently.

Yes, this has made me think about the impression I give of myself; I really don’t give a fig, but it wouldn’t hurt me to make an attempt at being presentable and more sociable – oh no not that!

Again, I have followed the card’s image and worked my way through it to arrive at these conclusions. The presence of The Knight of Masks might mean a change of situation for me, travel or the absence of someone. My oldest grandson is planning to join the army as soon as he can and he will be sixteen in April, so this might coincide with that.

So far, I’m happy with what has come up with these cards, but there is not a lot of symbolism here is there?

Note:

I received an invitation from my son and his wife to join them, their five children and their other granny for Christmas dinner out in a restaurant! So that's my first invitation arriving 24 hrs after the reading – the small challenges will be keeping order 'cause these kids are wild!

- back to the future

No real change has occurred; I still hang myself out like an old woman who was never young and beautiful...no, my attitude is that I've been there done that so why should I have to bother with any of it now? I have six grandchildren and a great grandson...and a new grandson on the way - I can do what the hell I want! Actually I hardly leave the flat and love living in my wee cave, in my baggy old dresses, listening to audio books, whole series again and again...playing the favourites.

DAILY CARD DRAW 1

These are part of an exercise I started five years ago. I'm putting them up here to analyse any changes made from the readings' wisdoms, any real premonition/prophetic visions etc.

2.12.10

It’s 3am and I begin the day (before I settle down to sleep) with the very first draw from the pack.

Using my lovely new Favole Tarot deck in an effort to study it, the artist, the symbolism, and me.

11 The High Priestess

The figure of a beautiful woman takes up one third of the picture and to her left is a bubbling cauldron; the smoke from the fire stretches up into the night and hovers behind her. She looks determined; that was the first and strongest feeling I got from the card. Immediately above her is a winter tree and in the background is the dark structure of a castle.

As I shuffled the pack I forced an image of myself into the forefront of my mind, of how unfit and unhealthy I am, and thought about how long I can continue with bad habits then asked the question, will I succeed in getting healthy and fit. So, to see her looking determined is my answer, initially.

All the ingredients are in her pot and it’s boiling, cooking and affirming its success because the ingredients are gathered and successfully arranged so that the outcome is inevitable; she has done her magic, used her talents and now it is down to me to take my medicine.

I’ve taken none of this from the traditional meaning of the card; this is straight from the image. She is dressed and wearing her jewellery and symbols of magic; she was prepared and had probably relished the ritual. So, do I need a ritual? I’d say that was a yes. She and the cauldron are lit-up whilst the background is very dark. So I must put the background out of focus and pay attention to what’s in the pot. What’s in my pot?

The only symbols here are fire and her necklace of a pentagram, and a pentagram embossed on the side of the cauldron. So, my first lesson will be the pentagram and high priestesses, and perhaps a little spell-work.

Notes:

My first rituals should be waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night, which can be started with an alarm and relaxation exercises – so get to it!

-back to the future...

Obviously the last five years was not the right time for me making the huge effort spelled out in the gorgeous cards, but maybe I'm ripe now!

Arrival

I woke up last night, feeling the need to get on with it, do it now for goodness sake, to stop faffing around at least try to time-table myself so that there will be some kind of forward movement. If one thing is created/moved/finished every day my back will be collapsing beneath all the slaps. So, slap me once for achieving this, and wholeheartedly thump me if there's more.